For a laugh...

The 25 best/worst similes

1. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
2. He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
3. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
4. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
5. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
6. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
7. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
8. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
9. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
10. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
12. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
13. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
14. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
15. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
16. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
17. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
18. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
19. The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
20. Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
21. Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
22. I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
23. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
24. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
25. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

Most, if not all, of these are submissions to a Washington Post contest.